Missing the forest for the trees…

Just the other day I said to someone, sometimes God opens a window, but we’re too busy looking at the door and waiting for it to open to see the open window. While I think it was still true for them I soon realized that God meant for me to hear those words as well. It’s really hard, to be completely honest, to think about the window when we so badly want the door to open. It’s so easy to be hurt and angry. To blame everyone and lash out and to want to make allowances…but it can’t be.

In this I am referring to becoming a single mom recently, and my destroyed marriage. This is me being brutally honest. I am angry. I am sad. I am devastated. I am hopeful. I cry. I run. I laugh. I yell. It’s hard to be so close to something you have wanted for so long, but to have it ripped away. I was married on July 12, 2014 only to have my husband tell me three days later that he regretted it and doesn’t want to be married. He refused to take the marriage license in and I tried desperately to figure out how to fix my life and marriage. Now that wasn’t the end of us. But it was a huge road bump. I tried everything to fix it. I even said you know what, that’s okay. You may not turn that paper in, but we’re still married in the eyes of our friends, family, and God. It hurt to make that allowance, as it demeaned me and my desires, but I was going to try for the sake of us and our family.

What ultimately destroyed my marriage was when I found out he was in love with another woman. He swears he never slept with her, that they’ve been friends for years, and you know what, all of that is probably true. I didn’t know of her until recently, but looking back I can see it. I had heard her name, seen it on Facebook, on his phone, but never thought much of it. I was secure in my relationship and feelings. But physically cheating and emotionally cheating are not so dissimilar. He can’t see why it’s still wrong to love another woman in the way he loves her, but still be married to someone else (me).

Now you may disagree. That’s your opinion and that’s fine. But in the scale of importance I should never have to compete with another woman in my marriage. His heart should have been mine, not hers. He even said she had his heart and always will, which means I never would or even could. I can’t compete with the ghost of a woman in the past, who still has ties with him in the present. What really took the cake was when he took our son and kept him from me for 10 days. I had to take him to court, etc, etc. It was awful. We’ve come to a custody agreement. 50/50 joint custody, but having my son only half the time is like missing part of myself. It’s those days which are the hardest to get through. When I have my son I feel whole, fine.

In a single moment I lost both my husband and my son, but also the little girl I had been raising since she was 2. My ex-husband had a daughter from a previous marriage. I loved her before I loved him, and I lost her as well. My family of 4 shrunk to a family of 1.5. In some ways I want it back so badly, but I can’t let myself be so low. I know I deserve better, and that my son does as well. He deserves someone who will love him and his mommy completely.

I get really angry at the situation I have been put in. I never, ever wanted to be a single mom. I never wanted to put my children through that, because now they are going to be hurt too. I don’t get to see my daughter except for at church. I tried to fix it, even just the other day. I asked him if he thought our marriage was worth saving would he do one thing for me. One thing and we could work everything out and try and heal. Before I even asked he said, “If it’s not talking to M********, then the answer is no.”

He still chose her over me and our family. I was incredibly angry and upset. We argued for a good while. After he left I proceeded to cry. But now I have tried everything (short of just letting him cheat on me). So now I have to pick up the pieces and figure out how to me a single mom to an amazing little boy who I love so much. How do I afford rent, food, clothes for him, etc? I do have an amazing support group, and I don’t feel like I am in danger of being homeless or going hungry, but it’s hard to think about. We struggled before, so what now?

I am picking up my life and putting it back together. One day at a time I will make the best life I can for me and my son. I was talking to a friend the other day, nothing serious but we were talking about our dating preferences. He said he doesn’t want to date anyone with a kid. That’s fine, but I was a little tender at the moment and I felt a sting. Having a kid (who I wouldn’t trade for the world) suddenly disqualified me as a potential girlfriend to some people. I completely respect his opinion and I understand his reasons (not wanting to be a dad right away, not wanting to deal with a constant past coming) but that doesn’t mean it’s easy to handle or hear.

Sometimes life just throws you into something unexpected. It’s not the door you wanted, but maybe the window is the better path, a happier one. All I know right now is I get my son back tonight and I am ecstatic!