How often do you wonder the big “What If” question? Once a day, twice, five times, 100? I don’t mean the choices we make like should I wear blue or red, hair up or down, bagel or muffin? While those may have some sort of impact on your day, I mean the “What if my life was totally different?”
For instance, I spent this weekend with Jacob. My coffee guy. He’s a doll. Jake cooked all weekend, was super sweet, and took my mind away from everything. (This is my Ex’s weekend so I didn’t have my baby.) While he was cooking dinner last night I began to wonder the big What If?
What if I had met Jacob instead if my Ex? What if he was the always this sweet and kind and I began to imagine a life with someone like that. Someone so devoted to the relationship and the other person, someone who looked at me like I was the only person in the world. Now, keep in mind my darling readers, I’m far from being in love again. In fact I thought about not talking to Jacob because I was worried (for a minute) to like him too much. Right now I am being brutally honest. I didn’t tell him what I had been thinking, but I did tell him that I don’t want serious and not to fall in love with me. He laughed and told me not to steal his heart.
I told him I hated everyone telling me what I should do, how I should do it, and all that. Everyone has an idea of what I need to be doing with my life. No one has asked me what I wanted…(except Kelly, but in a round about way.) Jacob looked me in the eyes and asked, “Well what do you want?”
I was surprised to say the least…I guess I should have seen that one coming…And I was so surprised that I didn’t have an answer because I don’t know what I want. I know what I don’t want. I suppose it goes back to a previous post of mine, Counting the Days….I’m at a point where I am not okay, and that is okay. I’m at a point where I can only take life one day at a time, waiting until I get my baby back so I don’t feel so lost.
In a day or two, after I’ve had time to think about it, I am going to create a post about what I do want. It has to happen at some point and I need to get back on my feet and in control of my life.