Oh, hey there readers! Sorry it’s been a minute, my hard drive decided to crash on me this weekend. It chose the worst time to do it too. Guess who missed a couple assignments? Me! I was going to borrow one of my work laptops, but walked out Friday without it because some guy came in at 4:29 (and 30 seconds I swear) and took forever getting his fax to go through. But I digress, I’m over it. I can make up some of the assignments, but I missed an important test. I’ll just have to do really well on my other assignments.
Sometimes I feel exceptionally lost. I’m not quite sure where I am supposed to begin, or for that matter even end. This may not make a lot of sense to you. Let me begin by saying I am a very raw person. I’m straight forward, tell it like it is, no bull-crap (but still polite and kind) kind of person. I don’t have time for games.
I actually told this to the guy who was dancing around the topic of dating me (but not wanting to date me because I’m a Single Mom) I told him man up or piss off because I’m worth more than that. It was surprising to find myself saying that. I’ve felt really worthless the past several weeks. Each day I am finding new strengths in myself. Sometimes that means I am going to cry at the most inopportune times. For example:
The Ex came to get the rest of his stuff yesterday. I happened to have Jacob with me. I told him I had company and he said he didn’t like that I had my “love interests” around our son. I stretched the truth a little. Jacob isn’t a love interest, but he’s not just a friend either. Xander adores him, not that I was going to tell the Ex that. Anyway, that’s not here nor there. As he was leaving I was walking back inside my (now emptier) house when Xander said in a slightly questioning tone of voice “Daddy.”
I lost my friggin mind. I managed to shut the door and set my son down before I bawled. Now, why was I crying my eyes out? Yes, it stung a little to have the final load of his things out of my house. But it wasn’t like I was pining for him to not leave, to move back in, etc etc. I think it was mostly the way Xander said daddy. There was something in his tiny little voice that broke my heart because Daddy was not supposed to be moving his things out of the house. He wasn’t supposed to be leaving, but he was. Now yes we are sharing Xander 50 50, but it’s not supposed to be like that. Parenting is 100. Marriage is supposed to be 100. Commitment is supposed to 100.
I’m strong enough to let go *cue frozen music here* but that doesn’t mean I am cold hearted and my “supposed to be husband” choosing someone else doesn’t rip my friggin heart into shreds. I’ll be honest, with the exception of church and half the child exchanges, I cry every time he leaves. If he has to come to my house for something, and then leaves, or if we have a particularly bad argument, I bawl my eyes out. Of course he doesn’t know this. To his face I am stoic and strong and agitated. But behind closed doors I lose it. Sometimes if one of my emotions swings too far one side I start crying. Example, I was laughing hysterically at work this morning because Jesse and I were joking around. I laughed myself into tears before I realized the tears weren’t because of the laughter.
Some of my hardest moments are first thing in the morning. There have been a few times I’ve woken up and reached for him before realizing he’s not there anymore. I’m not sure how to take this or what to do. I’m just going to keep pushing on, one day at a time, until I am over it. I know it’ll take time. Several years were devoted to my family. It doesn’t go away over night.
You may be wondering what Jacob’s reaction was to that scene. Well for one he helped keep my calm when the Ex was there. He helped me pack up his stuff and move some of the heavier items outside for me. Then after the Ex was gone and I was sitting in the floor crying, Xander got all concerned and then went and got Jacob and brought him to me. Then he held me, now tell me reader, what am I supposed to do when the guy I like is holding me while I am crying about my Ex. I realized that is all sorts of screwed up. And you know what he did then. He rubbed my back, kissed my forehead, and told me everything was going to be ok. Then Xander took a hint and did the same thing. It was hilariously cute.
Where was I going with this, reader? I have no clue. Like I said, I haven’t quite figured out where I begin and where I end. There are many more things I want to say, but this post is lengthy enough as is. I’ll keep those for my next post.
Free to Keep Breathing 