Being a Single Mom when you suffer from depression takes life to a whole new level. So much of the time you are worried that you are doing something wrong, you’re not good enough, and you can’t give your child enough. When you are in a down swing and all you want to do is lay there and not move, or you’re so tired you can barely think, but your little baby wants you to play with him and push him around on his new bike, it really makes you wonder whether your baby would be better off with someone else, but then the second he leaves your arms you are immediately filled with anxiety because your baby isn’t in your arms.
This isn’t constantly the case. There are only moments like this, but those moments seem so big. The good moments, when you are pushing him on his little bike, or you are having an intense tickle fight and he is peeing himself because he is laughing so hard (no worries, he is still in diapers). Those are the really great moments. Those are the moments you need to remember when you doubt your mothering skills.
I know I am the best person to raise my son. I know I am the only one who can raise him as he should be raised, because he is my son and only I, and his father (though sometimes I wonder), knows what is best for him. Xander needs both of his parents.
So what do you do when your depression and anxiety threaten to take over your life and consume you? You ask for help. As much as it pains you to do so because you don’t want people knowing there is something g ”wrong” with you. Even though you don’t want to constantly talk about it, talking is one of the best things to help you. Sometimes a trusted friend, sometimes a pastor, and other times a counselor is what is needed. I utilize all three. I also go to my doctor who helps treat my depression and anxiety. Do I resent my illness? You bet your ass I do.
I hate it with ever fiber of my being, but I have it. I have to live with it, but I am not going to let it consume me and ruin enjoying the miracle of raising my son to be the best man he can be. I will enjoy ever laugh, every joke, every bite of food, every tantrum, ever fit, and all the tears because he is my little boy, who I love so much.
It’s going to be hard, especially because I have to do it on my own. But that’s okay. God has a plan and I am going to listen and obey even when I do not understand.
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