The impossibility of letting go…

*cue Frozen song* Ok, not really, but you know what I mean.

Letting go of something that you’ve held onto for years is seemingly impossible. The thing I am struggling with the most in my divorce is letting go of my husband, the man I have loved for years, and the man I have a child with. He was my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my shoulder to cry on, my comforter, and my husband. I went to sleep beside him and I woke up next to him. We went to church, we cooked, and we shopped. We were a family. I am used to broken families. I grew up with a single mom of four kids. Dad left when I was two, we don’t really talk.

But because of that I was determined to have a not-broken-family. Well, you see how well that worked. I feel very manic about it. I literally gave everything over to my Ex. I gave him everything I had, and now I’m not sure how to put myself back together. I am, because I have to, but it makes life hard. It’s been 101 days since we separated. It’s been hell. There are days I can almost hate him…then there are days where I just want to kiss him and tell him how much I love him and want him to come home. But he still doesn’t know what he wants. He’s figuring himself out he says.

It’s not really fair to me though, to have to wait on him to figure out whether he wants to be a family. We were married for goodness sakes. Anyway. I struggle with loving him and not loving him. I struggling with letting go of the man I devoted my life to.  It physically pains me.

In a couple of posts ago I mentioned having a boyfriend. I explained to him my problem. I even tried breaking up with him, but he wasn’t really having that. He wouldn’t let me go so easy. He understands that I’m struggling right now. That I love my husband and that love doesn’t just go away in 101 days; at least not when you’ve been together for a long time. I do realize he did a horrible thing, and made horrible choices in the days following our separation. I believe in forgiveness. I believe I can forgive anything, because I have been forgiven by God. I want to be Christ-like. I want to live a life that will make Him proud. He tells us to forgive. So I have. But because I have forgiven him, it makes it harder to let him go. If I could hate my ex it would be a lot easier.

Well, wish me luck. I’m still trying to figure out how to put my life back together. I’m so damn exhausted.

About Christina

Hi! My name is Christina. I'm a mom to an amazing little boy and a sweet little girl, Wife, Christian, writer, avid reader, and Librarian. I'm very passionate about life and I hope that my posts may help someone out there who needs a little pick me up or some reassurance.
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