I have learned a lot in the past six months. The majority of those lessons were hard, and I pray they never leave my mind because I don’t think I could ever handle going through them again. I was conflicted on what to write…but as I begin to type I can feel the words start to come easier. Perhaps this is not only to help myself accept a few of the things I have been struggling against, but maybe it will help you too, if you’re feeling like you’re choking on your own words and thoughts. Mine have suffocated me many times.
Things I have learned:
Believe it or not (and at the moment you’re probably at a not) you will survive this. I’m not sure what you’re going through, or maybe you’ve been there before, but our hearts and minds are more resilient than we give them credit for. I am not contributing mine solely on the strength of my heart or mind, that would silly because I am weak in both areas. I have a tender heart which bruises easily, words cut me like a hot knife through butter, and my mind will work a thought to death (usually by obsessing).
You can’t control everything (or anything). You are going to want to, like, every second. You are going to want control. And when things don’t go how they are “supposed” to you’re going to get angry. Maybe even Hulk mad.
Anger. In the past six months I learned just how angry I can get. I was shocked and frankly scared of myself. When I get hurt I tend to get cold, but when my marriage fell to a zillion pieces I spiraled so far down from the anguish that I made the Hulk look like a fluffy kitty…ask my friends.
My friends…my tailspin actually showed me a few friends I didn’t realize I had, and showed me some who were a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I found so much support and love and peace that I was overwhelmed, and scared. I didn’t want to feel peace about what I was going through, I wanted to fix it.
I can’t fix it. It has taken me six months to realize it, but I’m not sure I am even ready to accept it. Sure I know it is repairable, but only with a lot of time, love, communication, counseling, and God. So much God. I know I can only do so much, but if one variable won’t come to the equation there can’t be a solution…(did I just use a math reference?!?!?)
God. I have learned so much about myself, God, and our relationship. I won’t go so far as to say I am thankful for what I have gone through to learn what I have of it, but I can appreciate the knowledge I have gained and hope to continue to gain from my trial.
I know that crying makes me sleepy, tears have a tendency to burn my cheeks, and it’s okay to cry sometimes, but only if you get back up afterward.
I did not come to these conclusions alone. I have spent countless hours talking to two of my pastors and several close friends. My pastors understand my desire to save my marriage, as they know my heart is in the right place, but they encourage me to look at the bigger picture, often through some tough love. They say things that upset me, anger me, and console me. Sometimes I’m not ready to accept the things they say to me, but I work on it day in and day out.
It is hard, but I am going to keep my head up, focus on the plan God has for me, and keep breathing…
Peace be with you today young lady . . . 🙂
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Hi, Christina. I’ve been out of touch with you for a while but that hasn’t kept me from praying for you. I’m glad you have pastors to counsel you through this. Some of my favorite cling-to verses in difficult times come from Romans ch. 8. Maybe they will help you too. Still praying. Hope you can have a great holiday with your little guy, even through the heartache.
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Thanks so much! I try to read your posts when I get time, but I’ve always been bad about “liking” or commenting. I appreciate the recommendation, I’ll probably look through Romans some later tonight. I am incredibly thankful for your prayers. I know it will be so special for me and my little man, just smaller than usual. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas! God bless you!