Do you ever just look at your child and think, My God, you are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. I fall in love with my son on a daily basis.
Does he drive me crazy when he decides to jump on my head when I’m in the middle of reviewing bills? Yes. Does he make my anxiety flare up when all of a sudden I hear something shatter only to find he stole my glass of tea, went behind the couch to drink it, but accidentally dropped it? Hell yeah.
Do I look at his soft little face, relaxed and angelic as he lays next to me asleep? Yes, yes, yes. I procrastinated this post for about 10 minutes because I was so enamored by his long dark eyelashes resting on his cheeks, one arm above his head and the other against his chin, and the soft melody of his breathing.
I live what feels like a very hectic life. I’m always running here or there, always working on something new, constantly thinking. I don’t think my mind rests even when my body sleeps. I cherish every second I have with my son even when he has managed to drive me up a wall, or pees in the floor 10 times, or even when he shatters a glass.
When I first became a single mom, and I’m sure I’ve expressed this before, I felt like an utter failure. I didn’t think I could do it alone. And to be honest, I couldn’t. I had help from my grandmother, friends, and especially Ariana. Without them to help me I would have been unable to really care for Xander like I needed to because I was so shaken by the events of July and August.
As the months continued to fall away I slowly became strong and more confident in being me -single mom, divorcing, remembering who I am instead of who we are- I’ve been a we for so long I lost the I. Which in some ways is okay, but when we left, where was I?
I’m not intending to be philosophical. Nope. I’m merely mentioning how much I absolutely love my son and the amazing peace I’ve felt in my heart today. If you’re struggling with feeling like you can’t do it, just hold on. You can! Just breathe!