A little less selfish

Don’t get me wrong, I can be selfish. There are times I just want more. That doesn’t make me a bad person, or you if you feel that way, but it is how we act on it. Just because you want more of something doesn’t mean you are selfish. A few things I constantly seem to want more of are:

Time with Xander

Coffee

Time with my friends

Coffee

Worship time

…I really want to say coffee again, but I don’t want to be redundant.

Wanting these things is okay. You can want all day, but if someone else is wanting or needing these things then we may want to keep that in mind. I will always want more coffee, but I’m okay giving the last cup to Ariana. (We can usually make more anyway). I’m cool with going from worship to sermon because I know I need both and I can keep worshiping later. The hardest thing I have a problem with (in a selfish manner) is time with my son.

Many days I come home and all I want is his greeting. He runs from the living room to me, arms spread wide, joyous smile on his face, and he throws his arms around me for a good long hug and a kiss before running away so I’ll chase him. I want that every day! However, I share joint custody with his daddy. I’ve said previously that he is a good dad; we just couldn’t seem to make the marriage work.

It is no secret that on the days I don’t have my son I am a little more melancholy. It is to be expected. Many, many people have asked me why I don’t try to get full custody/primary residential parent. Trust me friends, I have thought long and often about it. When it comes to my son I can be extremely selfish. I want all his hugs and kisses every single day. What would I have to do to make that happen?

I would have to be someone I am not. Did my ex injure me to the core when he took my son and wouldn’t bring him back? Undeniably so. Was I angry and wanted to take Xander back forever? Heck yes. Why didn’t I? Because I know what that’s like. I’ve felt the jerk and pull of parental differences and the sting and confusion of why mommy and daddy are suddenly mommy or daddy. Xander’s daddy is a good dad. I don’t deny that or the closeness they share. Xander and I share the same closeness. Taking our son from him would not only be selfish, but cruel.

It wouldn’t only be cruel because I’d be denying a father his son, and a son his father; it would be cruel because of the things I would have to say and do to make it happen. I can be selfish, but not selfish enough to ruin or crush the joy in someone’s life. Custody battles are difficult enough without the parents trying to rip each other’s throats out.

It is supposed to be about the kids and what is best for them. I know that Xander needs both of his parents, and while I suspect that he wishes we were all together, it just is not feasible at the moment. So I am going to try to be a little less selfish and share my son. He has enough amazingness to share I think. He is certainly one of the biggest reasons I am free to keep breathing.