When you betray yourself

Most people face some sort of betrayal in their lives. Normally it is from another person. How often can you say you betray yourself?

I went to the doctor yesterday. A while back I posted about being diagnosed with polycystic ovary syndrome. Today was a checkup to see if the medicine had helped reverse it. I had to stop taking the medicine about a month ago because it made me so sick. Not only was nothing better, it was a lot worse.

My doctor actually asked the nurse if she was sure she weighed me right. She did. It was not easy seeing the scale jump nearly 15 lbs from the last visit. Especially since I wasn’t over eating and there was no cause for the weight gain… except for that pesky PCOS. Now very concerned about my excessive weight gain and still not cycling, she adjusted my Metformin to a lower dose and gave me two additional meds to help with cycling and weight loss. She was quick to add she wasn’t fussing at me. ( She really is a wonderful doctor, and super understanding). The weight isn’t something I could control even if I ate nothing but salad and ran 20 miles a day. It’s just a side effect, but she was worried. Now it’s time to start running again. Which I cool with. I missed it.

It makes me sad though. My body, by design, is supposed to make babies. It is supposed to cycle every month and when it’s not, it’s supposed to carry a baby for 9 months. My body just says no. It’s betraying me, telling me I can’t have what I really want.

On my way home I was really upset. A small part of me had hoped the doctor would come in and say congratulations! You’re having a baby! Instead I got horrible news. As someone who struggled with body image in high school, it’s hard to see that number go up when you’re trying to make it stay the same or go down.

I texted three of my friends. Erin, Lori, and Kaila had me chuckling in no time. Lori’s auto correct texts really cracked me up. They really are wonderful people and I am so happy to have them in my life.

All day I kept encountering the verse, “All things are possible with God.” ( of which a variation can be found in all 4 gospels – Matt, Mark, Luke, John). It was on the radio, a sticker on my coffee, and in my heart. It just kept popping up.

I know everything will be okay. I know that there are silver linings everywhere. We caught my PCOS early, there is medicine to help, God can help me. I’m not a lost cause. While my condition makes me sad, I know I can overcome it.

Psalm 34: 4  “Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart.”