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Recently I wrote a post about feeling guilty when I don’t write. During the last week I was questioning whether I should renew or cancel my domain. *Hint: I forgot to cancel it so now it’s a moot point, ha-ha)

Regardless though I was wondering why I was writing this blog to begin with, especially since I was becoming lax in posting new material. When I started this blog a year ago I was in a bad place. I was a newly single mom, getting divorced, and going through hell. I wasn’t strong enough to both hold my life together and function normally. It happens.

Over the course of the year several things changed. I accepted and adapted to my new role as single mom with the help of many friends (especially my bestie Ariana) and family. I met a few people I made great connections with, and when things got too serious we parted ways. Coffee guy and I had a lot of fun talking and visiting, but driving to Berea so often was too hard on me. Then when he said the “L” word I fled. We haven’t spoken for quite some time and I probably will never speak to or see him again. I wish him the best though, because he deserves it.

I also got really close to Ariana and her family during this time. They were truly a blessing to me.

I learned a lot about myself during this period too. I know you probably want an example, but they were mostly internal things that I don’t know how to describe. For those of you who know me in real life, you can attest to this.

About 10 months later Roger approached me at church wanting to work on our marriage for real. With lots of compromise, hard work, and some fighting we did it. By no means do we have a perfect marriage, and I wouldn’t even say it is flourishing, but something good is happening between us.

I dug my heels in for a while first. We were trying so hard and weren’t getting anywhere. I still resented him and was on edge most of the time. I had just adjusted to being single mom, I didn’t really want to turn my world upside down again by trying to fix a broken marriage. I prayed a lot. Finally one day I was done. I was frustrated and couldn’t focus on work. I text Roger that I was done trying. We weren’t getting anywhere.

Reading that back after I sent it I realized how it sounded, and that’s how he took it too. Until I explained I didn’t mean I was done trying to make our marriage work, I was done trying to make it perfect and like the past year had never happened. That one decision did more for our marriage than anything else.

We will never have a “perfect” marriage, but we can have a good one if we give each other the chance.

But how does this relate to my writing? Over the past year my blog transitioned through several different topics and stages. Single Mom, Divorcing, Food, Coping, Depression, Dating, Struggles, Parenting, Kids in general, and finally reconnecting with my husband.

I think I really started disconnecting from my blog when we rekindled. I was too anxious and closed off to write anything, plus I didn’t want to reveal everything if my marriage went south again. I don’t generally hide things, but some stuff is too personal and close to home to put out there. And I’m pretty liberal with telling people about my life.

Good God, where am I going with this exactly?

I think what I am trying to say is even though I was thinking about shutting my blog down, or at least just not writing, I’m not going to. I’m going to continue to write on here, and mostly about whatever comes to mind. Not only because I forgot to cancel my membership, but because it seems every time I think about not writing someone has come up to me to tell me how much they do like my writing. They enjoying reading my posts and knowing about my life.

Until next time readers!

 

XOXO

 

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My daughter is starting 1st grade tomorrow and I am so excited for her! I know she loves school, will make a ton of new friends, and will probably calm down a little. (She gets wild when there isn’t enough to keep her attention – i.e. Summer, when mommy and daddy still work even when she is home.)

I know I complained about the School Supply List a couple posts ago (and a few other moms agreed with me at the store!) but I am happy that I can provide what my child needs to help her have a successful year.

As a mom I am sometimes really hard on myself. I feel like if I can’t do it all, be supermom, that I’m not being a good enough parent. I come home and I should be able to whip up dinner, make sure homework is done, and bathe the kiddos all before 8. For this family, that just isn’t realistic, and that’s okay.

For example: This evening the kids were in the bath playing when Emmah starts shrieking. At first I thought she was just playing until Xander came running out yelling, “bwud, bwud, seester bwed.” Translate: Blood, blood, sister, bleed. So I go in to see what is happening.

He had accidentally step on her foot and caught the seed wart that is trying to heal…and nearly ripped the whole thing off. I haven’t seen that much blood on her since she busted her cheek two years ago.

And of course the second I go to help she shrieks louder because she is my little drama queen and a drop of blood means she is dying. 45 minutes later and I have cleared away the torn skin and cleaned and bandaged her little wound. The only reason it took that long was because she kept flailing her leg any time I even breathed on it. After that she was fine, but she goes into full blown panic any time medical attention is needed. It kills me.

All that to say, while I know I’m not supermom (even though that would be cool), I know I can feed my kids, clean their wounds, and help them with school. Even if it’s not by 8.

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1. Happiness is a butterfly, which when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you. ~Nathaniel Hawthorne

I found this quote my junior year of high school. It quickly become one of my favorite. I’ve always been one to vigorously pursue my goals, so there are times I have to remind myself that sometimes the best course of action is simply to relax.

2. “To be your friend was all I ever wanted; to be your lover was all I ever dreamed.” ~???

I found this quote several years ago. I don’t know who it is by, but it is always one of the first to pop in my head when talking about quotes. There were a few times when I was younger that I made friends, and that’s all I wanted. I was totally content with that, but there was a time or two that I fell in love with one of them. It was a dream come true for a while, and then the dream ended.

3.”I see my fated stars in your eyes. They melt me like the sun does snow.” ~ Marco Venier – Dangerous Beauty

It wasn’t until recently that I found where this quote came from, and I still haven’t seen the film. There is no deeper meaning for why I love this quote, just that the words speak to me in a way I can’t describe. And that’s okay.

4. What other dungeon is so dark as one’s own heart! What jailer so inexorable as one’s self!
~Nathaniel Hawthorne

Pretty much if it came from Nathaniel Hawthorne then I love it.

5. The will of God will never take you, where the grace of God cannot keep you.
~Frank Booth

You probably haven’t heard of Frank Booth. I used to attend a church called Holy Grounds. Booth is the father of one of the pastors, and is a pastor of his own church in San Diego, California. He preached a few times, and this is one of the quotes from his sermon. He is a man I highly respect. Now about the quote. If I wrote it, and remembered it, then it must really have spoken volumes to me at the time. Thinking about it now, it still applies. God leads people in so many different places, and we’re afraid to go, but the grace of God abounds and is never out of reach.

6. “ For with God nothing will be impossible.” ~ Luke 1:37 NKJV

Probably one of the absolute top quoted verses from the Bible, but that doesn’t mean it is untrue.

7. “And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” ~John 1:5 NKJV

It wasn’t until I moved to KY and seriously started screwing up my life that I became a Christian. I was at rock bottom, had just been arrested and was seriously contemplating ending it all when I sat down in a cafe just feeling as low as possible. A good friend mine, a pastor, sat down with me and had me read John. I got to verse 5 before I broke down in tears. John 1:5 is the verse that saved me from myself.

8.  “What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It doesn’t matter what you have done, or where you will go. It is the your character and integrity that makes you a worthwhile person.

9. “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person’s ultimate good as far as it can be obtained.” C.S. Lewis

Love goes well beyond just a feeling of affection. It is so much more than that. By no means am I an expert on love, but for everyone I wish the best.

10. “Women are made to be loved, not understood.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Does this even need a reason? It’s amazing! Not only that, but do women even really understand women?

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They say if you don’t succeed the first time you should try again, and that you only ever truly fail if you stop trying. And honestly I should be having fun trying, but it has become more of a chore than anything. You probably want me to back up and tell you what I’m really trying to say. I made a post back in May about why I’m struggling to conceive. Once I told my friends and family they were all incredibly sympathetic and assured me now that we knew the trouble/was on the medicine that was supposed to fix it we’d have a little miracle on the way in no time. Even the doctor said she’d expect a call from me by the end of the month saying the medicine worked (or to come back in three months).

For a minute I thought that was true. All the signs pointed to being pregnant, but they were all wrong. It’s been a little over two months now and still nothing. People all around me are finding out they are pregnant while I’m just twiddling my thumbs in line.  Two or three times in the last couple of weeks people have asked me either when I’m due (ouch), or if I’m pregnant (because I’m a little nauseous but still testing negative), and every time I inwardly flinch because they don’t get how much it sucks.

I get so infuriated by it sometimes. Women all around me get pregnant on accident; women who don’t even want the baby and see it as a nuisance. Or they think drinking and drugs are totally okay to still do. So not only do I resent the hell out of these women for their thoughtlessness and irresponsibility, but I also resent the medicine that is supposed to make me better. Then because the medicine isn’t helping I feel defeated and tired so when it is time to lay down the last thing I want to do is get my hopes up by trying anymore.

I know I’m supposed to trust in the Lord’s timing, but if there is one virtue I am vastly lacking in it is patience. In fact I took up knitting when I was a teenager to try and help teach myself patience. It was fun until I got bored.

This post has been on my heart for a week now, but I’ve struggled to put the right words together. The betrayal of my body hasn’t broken me, but it has wounded me. I know God has plans larger than I could possibly know, so I’m going to wait in His perfect timing and hope for the best. Until then feel free to share your thoughts or experiences!

 

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Ugh. Once upon a time those words inspired great joy in my life. I loved buying school supplies (confession: I still do). I’m an office supply hoarder; so why am I ugh-ing it now? Because the list of things the school is requiring parents to provide is utterly ridiculous and unrealistic.

• 2 24 packs of #2 yellow pencils (no designs)
• 24 glue sticks
• 2 plastic solid blue folders with fasteners (no designs)
• 2 plastic solid red folders with pockets only (no designs)
• 5 pkgs Crayola brand 24 count crayons
• 1 pkg. 200 ct. Kleenex tissues
• 2 pkgs of disinfectant wipes
• 1 pkg of Colored Copy Paper (not cardstock)
• 3 composition notebooks (black & white cover only)

I understand they need these things…but why does it seem like I am supplying it for the whole class? 5 packs of Crayola brand crayons? Why are they getting brand specific?

Yes, I know school funding is tight, and I’m a children’s education advocate. I love schools, but I also pay taxes already. In two counties (one in where I work, and one in where I live). I’m even okay with supplying a few extra things as back up or in case another child may not be able to get everything on this list. Here is a list I’d be less grumpy about:

• 2 24 packs of #2 yellow pencils (no designs)
• 24  3 glue sticks
• 2 plastic solid blue folders with fasteners (no designs)
• 2 plastic solid red folders with pockets only (no designs)
• 5 2 pkgs Crayola brand 24 count crayons
• 1 pkg. 200 ct. Kleenex tissues
• 2 pkgs of disinfectant wipes
• 1 pkg of Colored Copy Paper (not cardstock)
• 3 2 composition notebooks (black & white cover only)

This is a more reasonable list. I understand pencils breaking, losing, etc. My kid does not need 24 glue sticks. When I was in school we only bought 3, and that was just fine. Folders I understand. She does not need 5 packages of name brand crayons; she doesn’t even need 5 packages. 2 would be plenty. Tissues I get. Kids are germy (so what about hand sanitizer?!) I’d be okay supplying maybe one pack of disinfectant wipes, but that seems more janitorial. Since when did we supply their copy paper? It’s just a little frustrating, but with shrinking budgets I can understand. As for the composition notebooks…okay, maybe three, but by the end of the year my kid better be an author if they are going to write that much.

It’s just a little excessive to me. This list will cost me between $50 and $100 on top of whatever school clothes she needs…and a backpack.

What kind of school lists do your kids have, and what is your opinion?