You asked me what changed from the time I was sitting on your porch this summer to now. Tell me, what hasn’t changed? But that’s not the point. I still stick by every decision I made and every word I said to you. Looking back, I wouldn’t have done anything different except maybe try harder. No, when I sat on your porch this summer, thinking everything was over, I was done, and I was ready to sign the papers…I wasn’t taking into account that there was a chance I could forgive him. Yeah, maybe I forgave him, but that doesn’t mean this isn’t hard. When I sat on your porch I wasn’t thinking of what God could do because I had let anger take His place in my heart. Its taken months to replace the anger with Him again, but I still feel a lingering in there. Sometimes it is easily sparked and I lose it. I have to ask forgiveness and replace the anger with Him again. But usually the damage has been done and I let regrettable actions happen.
You asked me why I wanted my marriage to work. Well why not? I loved him, he is the man I married and intended to spend my life with. We have a child together. We’ve both grown in God so much since we’ve met.
You asked what changed. I forgave him. It was hard. It’s taken so much work, tears, and cries of absolute despair. Why did I forgive him? Because God told me too. Not only did He tell me to, but it is the example He set. He gave his Son, his Son paid the price for our forgiveness so why shouldn’t I? I’m not saying I am Jesus, far from it. I try to emulate Him and do as He commands…and yeah it’s hard. Especially when I have people on all sides telling me their opinion on what I should do.
Leave him, Stay with him. Love him, Hate him. Date other people, don’t date other people. Take up a hobby….the list goes on. Unfortunately I listened to some of them.
You say our stories are radically different? I’m sure they are. Why? Because we see things through our own eyes and not the truth of God’s. Our truth, which may actually be the truth, is still filtered by our opinions and thoughts. I am convinced he cheated and I even have proof…he says he didn’t cheat because he didn’t physically do anything. The papers he filed contained falsified information and I have proof of that too. A physical living witness. I’m not saying any of this to convince you I am right and he’s lying…I don’t even care about that at this point. No, the point is I have changed.
I tried for six months longer then I intended. I changed from the angry hurt woman on your porch to someone who remembered to let God in and take control (which I struggle with Him over much too often).
However, because I forgave him I became consumed with the idea that since I forgave him we’d be okay again. He’d come home, we would fix it, and all would be right. But that’s not how it worked, because even though I forgave him he realized during our separation that he doesn’t want to be married to me. No, he hasn’t physically said it. But you were right when you asked me if I thought his actions were of a man who wanted to be with me.
Yes, you and I both know those words cut through me like a hot knife. We both know those words destroyed the place piece that I was hanging onto. Everything you said to me last night, even though I wanted to hate you for it (but I don’t), was right. Sometimes I need people to coddle me, and sometimes I need them to shake the hell out of me and get me to wake up to reality.
It’ll be hard. I’ll probably sign the papers once they are finalized…and it’s going to hurt like hell, but I’m going to let God have control. I may call you bawling my eyes out again. I hope not, but if I do I need you to shake me awake again and pray for me.
For now I am going to remember to breathe.