So in several of my posts I mention coffee guy, or Jacob. He is a sweet heart, really. He was always a gentleman, very sincere, passionate, sweet, kind, cooked for me, made me feel special, and loved. And he was super intense. I wouldn’t say we were falling for each other, but the time we shared was incredibly intense and intimate. And perhaps that scared me. I know I didn’t want a relationship with him because at the time I wasn’t mentally balanced enough to handle one, especially long distance. I pushed him away because I needed some space to breathe and think. I’m still very much in love with my husband. That doesn’t go away overnight or just because my Ex loved someone else, because those are my feelings. I was committed to him for a long time and I don’t know if there will be a day where my heart forgets that commitment.
So after I pushed him away I felt bad because he had no idea what was going on. I was freaking out in my own little head. I craved seeing him because I missed the intimacy we had. So I saw him one last time. It was good, but my mind kept straying…I wasn’t all there, and I knew it wasn’t fair to either of us. So I let him go. He didn’t seem to take it too well, and I can’t blame him. But he is better than what I was giving him and him to me. We both are. I won’t be with someone who I can’t give my heart to. I told him from the start not to fall in love with me, and that I wasn’t looking for a relationship or anything steady.
I know he will make some woman very happy one day, but that woman isn’t me. Not because he couldn’t make me happy, but because I can’t make myself happy right now. All that being said, coffee guy, thank you for the wonderful time we spent together, for making me laugh, making me forget my troubles (if only for a time), and you for the food, conversation, and the coffee. I know we had it out at the end, and I’m sorry I couldn’t be more of what you wanted, but thank you anyway. And you’re not a douchebag or an a**hole. You’re actually a very amazing guy. XOXO
Free to Keep Breathing 
First of all, love the layout of your blog: all nice and neat. I don’t like the sidebar on mine because it is redundant in places and goes on way past the post, so who’s going to scroll all the way to the bottom?
Second, I like the way you ended your post. Relationships are so hard. The devil tried to destroy my marriage three times, but he lost and we won. I am sorry your ex left you. It is his loss, but it hurts you and your son. That being said, just a little recommendation from an older lady: God has someone out there who is right for you. As you continue in your faithfulness to God by reading and studying His word, and going to church, God will put the right man in your life. You won’t have to look for him; he will find you. Just pray when you meet him that God will give you discernment to know if this is the right one. Over time the truth will be revealed. My prayers are with you.
LikeLike
Thank you so much! I did spend a lot of time trying to get the layout how I wanted. I used different “zones” under the custombar, give that a shot 🙂 Also shortening the home page posts so you don’t see the whole post at once helps. Yes, relationships are hard. And when you through problems in like divorce and children it’s even more difficult. Coffee guy was an amazing person, but I don’t feel amazing enough to handle him. I can barely handle myself. I’m trying to rest in God right now, so while I am seeing someone at the moemnt it is significantly more relaxed and slower paced than with Jacob. All the things I said about him are true, he was sweet, kind, loving, and incredibly passionate, he got along amazingly with my son. It is hard, because I still love my husband. I know God has a plan and is looking out for me. I trust God, even when I don’t understand him. Thank you for your prayers and taking the time to read about my life and care. God bless you!
LikeLike
Pingback: Oh the lives of fickle men… | Free to Keep Breathing
Pingback: I’ll write what I write | Free to Keep Breathing